A Home with Opposable Thumbs

I’ve always been one of those people who don’t go unnoticed—like it or not—because I’m constantly making my presence known to the people around me. And, I don’t mean that I’m particularly interesting, or fun, or even all that great to look at. I’m just loud…as fuck.

With every step I take, I leave a path of destruction behind me: magnets falling as I graze past each cubicle, a laptop spilling from my man bag as I reach down to tie my shoes, a lady screaming as I douse her with hot coffee in the hallway, glass shattering as I slam the conference room door so hard that three window panels come crashing down around my feet. Oh yea, I’m the queen of first impressions.

And that’s exactly why I’ve decided my life would be much easier if God gave my dogs opposable thumbs. Because if I’m the queen of first impressions, I’m the freaking king of symbiotic relationships; every one knows that not making great first impressions and dogs with opposable thumbs are completely, if not conceptually, parallel.

Top 25 reasons why I wish my dogs had opposable thumbs.

1. To help me diagram sentences
2. To cut up cucumber when our eyes are puffy
3. To check my email
4. To drive me to work in the morning
5. To “LIKE” me on Facebook
   

   Elverson Deli rocks pretty hard, too

6. To pack LB’s bong
7. To mow the lawn
8. To book our vacations
9. To fold the laundry 
10. To push the grocery cart
11. To answer the door when Jehovah’s Witnesses come by
12. To pick out my clothes in the morning
13. To make the bed
14. To feed the other dogs
15. To let the other dogs out to go potty
16. To wire us money
    

    Lee-C could have been our financial advisor

17. To give themselves a bath
18. To administer my Xanax as needed
19. To sew the holes in LB’s leggings
20. To hang Christmas lights
21. To take these ridiculous, mandatory assessments at work
22. To weed the garden
23. To wash my hair
24. To beat the shit out of this weirdo…
    

    I didn’t know fake tattoos were a real issue for some people

25. To give EVEN better hugs… 
    

    

    

    

    Although, our pack does give pretty great hugs, even without opposable thumbs:) Just imagine the things they could accomplish with them? It’s pretty remarkable.